Cant forget about the clothes....

Uumm yeah, I know how ridiculous I am. I took this pic to show jsut how RIDICULOUS I am. My closet is so damn full from clothes that I have brought with me and bought while I was here. Im lovin this lil wardrobe too. Its wooden and looks so old school. Below the open area with the doors is 2 drawers full of undies, socks, and pajamas, and shirts, and more sweaters. Life is Excellent!
I could clothe a small village with all this stuff. And Im just thinkin of all the stuff I left behind in NY.*just a thought tho*

My APT

I am a firm believer that your environment should make you feel comfy. Especially since I am in BG. It is of the utmost importance that when I come home from a hard day of work, that Im able to relax. I dont want to look at no chippin paint on my walls, or have to feel disgusting lookin at how horrible the ceiling looks.

And it doesnt hurt that Im up on the fashion scene, and just had to do something spectacular with my apt. As it was, it looked really bad. But now, I have a nice lil couch for folks to sit on (altho I havent had not one damn visitor other than my fam or PC volunteers), I have a nice sized TV, and the walls are painted a cute white and light blue color. I was tryin to figure what to accessorize my walls with, and I decided on yellow. My couch is actually a deep mustard color (so Im on point without even trying, cuz I got the couch before I even thought of the yellow thing) and I got some cute blue and yellow candles to place around the room. So my newest acquisition has been these lovely white and blue curtains, which I have been meaning to get for the longest time. The curtains I had before were so damn dirty and nasty that I took them down and the window has just been bare.

So after I got the curtains, I didnt really like how they just draped over the window like that and decided to pull them back. So I got those lil sticky white things and stuck them on the wall and got this BEAUTIFUL yellow ribbon to tie the curtains up tie them back the way you see in the pic. Cuz thats how I get down!

I love SHOES!

So those of you who know me, know damn well that my world revoles around looking very feminine, and wearing sexy high-heeled shoes and tight dresses (lol). Since I have come to BG, that has kinda been put on hold. While my button-up and work game is on point, I feel my shoe game is lacking considerably. I could only bring 2 suitcases with me initially, and I opted to bring business atire for work and other useless BS, instead of bringing shoes. What a MISTAKE that was. I quickly realized that I was at a loss. I found some clubs to go to, but had nothing to wear cuz I didnt bring the proper attire. I thought in the beginning that I wasnt gonna really be clubbin like that while I was here. And while I dont be in the clubs too often, I still go from time to time to have fun and forget about the day to day foolishness that ensues while I am at work or in town. with that being said, I was so frickin happy when I was blessed to receive a suitcase full of shoes and clothes sent from my fam back home (more specifically my older sis cuz she packed the bag). Now I am in sheer bliss and in shoes heaven. Not only did I get 7 pairs of pumps, I also got the Airmax that Poppa bought me before I left fro BG, about 8 pairs of jeans, shirts, and 2 dresses. *let the church say AMEN*
And just so you understand how exclusive I am with the shoe game, I took a pick.....

7 pairs of pumps, sneakers, 2 pairs of shoe boots, 1 pair of sneakers, and I cant forget the 8 pairs of flats I brought with me including my BELOVED coach flats.

I love shoes!

Thanks Poppa

So of course I couldnt let another day go by without shouting out my baby, who sent me a lovely care package full of goodies. I took a pic of some of the stuff, but the bag was full of lots of things that I wanted, and some that surprised me. Poppa has been a great source of support, and I just wanted to commend him on hangin in there and stickin with me throughout this entire year. I know its not easy, and not many people would do it, so you get a special KUDOS and a *kiss*
We not gonna even talk about who's care package was better between Poppa and Jojo's or who loves me more. As long as I am at the center of both worlds Im happy! hahahahaha
And you two dont have to fight over me, there is enough Lady Sha Sha *strikes a pose* to go around!

Look at my mini-me....Super!

After the Monastary, we stopped at a small place for lunch. Vlasko order kiselo mlako (sour milk) and had the fam taste it. Of course they werent really feelin it, and thats obvious from Tiff's face!

All of us at the Monastary.

Nice pic of the Monastary.

So one night I took them out to this lil place that I used to frequent very often called the Art Salon. Its a lil restaurant where a lot of older folks go to drink, talk shit, laugh, joke, and dance. Well these 2 were there and they were really nice to the fam. The guy kept tryna get my mom to let Tiff drink some wine with us.

*side note* Why do I look fat in this pic....I hope its just the pic and that I didnt really look like that when I wore this....oh and FYI, you know I stay down with the Red....

The Maxwell's come to town!

Tiff in at the Rila Monastary in front of a painted mural on the outside wall.

My town is apparently split into 2 sides, and separated by a highway. The highway has a bridge for people to walk over to get to either side, and of course I live on the other side ot the bridge! So I can either walk safely across the bridge, or I can run across the highway like Frogger....Oh, and then after the highway there are train tracks....So I literally live on the other side of the tracks! hahahaha

Me and my mini-me at the aiport. And Tiff was lookin mightly BRIGHT-LIGHT with that hoody on and some hot-pink shades.

Tiff and mom at the airport

Im so lonely....

So my fam has long gone and Im back to my solo status. It was fun while it lasted, and I def have some great memories of when they were here. We went to a few cool places while they were here, they got some shoppin done, and most importantly we got to kick it with each other. Tiff has gotten so big and she swear she is grown! I had to grab her up one good time so she knew who the boss was. One night she didnt want to eat some carrots that were in this soup I made. After goin back and forth for a while, she finally ate them, but I had to hem her up and get in her face cuz she was mighty slick with her mouth. Other than that, she was an angel. We had some good laughs and I was so glad to see her. My mom was cool too. She was actin funny style on some occasions, but for the most part she was aight. We had a nice lil mother-daughter talk that really surprised me and shed light on some things that I had no idea of.
I brought the fam to my school and they had such a good time. I introduced them to my classes and the were a bit shy at first, but got into everything after. I had them say a few words about themselves, then opened the floor for questions. I figured there wasnt gonna be any, so I had an activity waiting in the mists. The students participated and we all had some laughs. They spoke very well and my fam was very impressed. Some of the students performed the Horo and my sis showed my classed how to do the "stanky leg" (some hood dance popular in NY now). All in all, it was a fun day at school and I think everyone benefited from it!

The aftermath

Its been a few days since my door has been defaced, and I suppose I have had a lot of time to think about the whole thing in its entirety. Friday I spoke with someone from PC and I spoke to another Black female vol here, along with a brief convo with my program director. All this talkin didnt necessarily make me feel any better, but it did let me know that I had a lot of support and a lot of people were worried about me. Friday I went back home with my program director cuz she lives in my town and she saw my door. She spoke with my neighbor and asked if she wouldnt mind keeping an eye out for me. I looked at the door and all the talkin in the hallway with my neighbor just made me break down and cry. I was really upset.
And let me just explain briefly why I am upset. i have spoken to a lot of Bulgarian people, in an attempt to explain what happened and why I feel so sad. And most of their responses were along the lines of "Oh shani, dont be mad about that. There are a lot of stupid people in BG" or "oh shani, im sure those were just some stupid kids, dont let that bother you" So Id just like to let those of you out there for the record know why this type of thing gets me so upset.
1.Ill start by saying that there is no way you could really understand or fathom what I am feeling if you have never gone through this. The Bulgarians are the majority in this country, and I am sure have never heard anything remotely racist from another BG. If anything the Bulgarians are the ones who dislike/mistreat/talk bad about Roma/Turkish/other people who are not like them simply for that fact. They are not always the caring/understanding people they would have others believe. They ae the ones who dish out racial slurs and carry prejudices from what I have observed.
2. I am a grown ass woman. I dont need anyone to tell me how to feel. If my natural reaction is to be upset and cry because of something that happened to ME, then so be it. Thats how I do and thats how I am. Im not gonna all of a sudden jump up with happiness cuz someone wrote a racial slur on my damn door, that I have to see everyday. So please do not try to lessen my feelings or my pain by saying shani dont get upset!. I already am upset.
3. Altho Black people use the word when referring to each other to mean homey, my peeps, my buddy etc. the history of the word is rooted in something completely different. I am against using the word altogether, but lets be honest, when most non Black people use the word, they usually use it to be malicious. You cant tell me that someone scratched this word on my door to mean 'welcome to the neighborhood', or even 'we heart you.' They were being malicious. And the fact that someone would go through the trouble to physically do all that boggles my mind and makes me upset even more. That it has gone beyond simple rude stares or remarks and turned into action. That is what upsets me, and that is what needs to be understood. So dont think that this is more than just some asshole who is ignorant. This person got into my building and wrote a disgusting word on my damn door.

With all that being said, time to think has done me good. I kepp thinking that maybe I shoudl pack up and go home where everything makes sense. Where in my little world called Harlem, everyone looks the same and I am not privvy to these senseless acts. Or where I can easily showboat down Times Square or somewhere in the Village and not have to worry about lookin over my shoulder or if someone has a problem with me cuz Im Black. Cuz frankly I could give 2 shits about their opinions. Whereas here, its all I think about. I am the ONLY Black person that lives here or has EVER lived in this town. And I am a woman. Anything could happen to me at anytime.
But then what message would I be sending if I left? If I were a quitter? That they are right? that they can bully me around? What I really need to do is put on my NY swag and get it poppin! Altho I am still gonna talk to my program director about my options, if worst comes to worst and I have no choice but to stay here til next year, then so be. BUT, Ill just do my thing. Avoid the center of town like I been doing cuz I hate walkin over there. But wherever I do go, keep my head up high cuz even tho I am a Black female in thise town, Im the shit!
Is just so fucked up that I have to deal with this here. Cant I just teach the kids and do my job? Why does being Black have to be an issue?

Niggas

As if I havent endured enought hateful and spiteful comments, folks have brought "brining it to your doorstep" to a whole nother level. I went to work Thursday mornin kinda tired. Tiff has a new phone with this thing called Brain Genius on it and I have glued to the damn thing since she got here. I stayed up late playing it and bickin (kickin it...lol can I say that?!?!) with the fam, so naturally I was tired when I woke up. I was movin real slow, but managed to make it out the house about 7 AM. Class was ok, but I was concentratin on comin back home to see what the fam wanted to do for the rest of the day. The weather was real nice and they still needed to get some more souvenirs.
I roll up to my door, and wouldnt you know what was there?!?! The word 'NIGGAS' was SCRATCHED into my door! Yes, its true. Please pick your mouth up off the floor. I swear I couldnt even make this shit up! I was so flabergasted, then upset, no OUTRAGED. I was however surprise at how cool and collected I was. I walked into the apt and very calmly said hello then walked into the kitchen and tried to call the PC office. No answer. Then I call my program manager's celly. She picks up and I calmly explain to ehr what I witness. She seemed really surprised and disgusted herself. We talked for a bit. She asked me questions and then suggested that I call my school and see if someone could come and take a look at the door and stay in my apt with me.
I wont bore you with any more details, but it wll suffice to say that I was not happy. I had to go write a police report, take pics of the door, then the fam and I packed up our stuff and stayed with a PC staff oerson in Sofia for the night. I havent been home yet but I am DREADING haveing to look at what the door says.
and if anyone lodt count, this will be the THIRD, yes 3rd incident report that I have filled out with PC. The first being when some guyin my building thought it appropriate to grab my face and begin kissing me while we rode the elevator to the bottom floor. I told my colleagues at school at happened and I almost got the impression that they really didnt see the harm in what happened, and that I shoud almost be flattered that it happened! 2nd was when I almost had a break down cuz some assholes said really rude things to me and kids threw something at me. Then there was the verbal assault that my fam had to witness. But this here, t akes the cake.
I keep thinkin of how this person could have gotten into my building. How they could have done this undetected. What if I opened the door while they were doin it? what if I happen to come home late or alone and there is someone waiting for me? The police can patrol all they want, but unless they are gonna stake out and watch me 24/7 no one can ensure that something else like this or on an even worse scale wont happen. And for this reason, I am thinkin of returnin home folks.
the kids at my school are cool and all, but lets be real. You all have read enough posts about how lazy they are. A lot of them are cool with doin the minimum and just barely gettin by. And altho I can think of a few who speak really good, they ultimately got that way cuz they worked their asses off and studied. There are several excellent speaking English teachers at my school, and I doubt that the students who really want to elarn ENG will suffer because I left early. And I really dont feel like I am doing anything important here. Altho I wouldnt mind actually fulfilling my committment to serve for 2 years, there really is nothin here to keep me. I dont feel comfy walkin down that streets, I ahte meeting new people unless I am introduced to them by someone I know and I havent been able to get past that fact that I am the only black person here. And for this reason I feel like I havent put my all into doin programs outside of the school (which is suggested by PC to help improve not only the school but also the community). And I have had great idea abotu doin projects with my students and for the school, but the other teachers have other things goin on or they are just to lazy to help me and I cant do everything by myself.
And with all these excuses, the only thing that really matters is the fact that I dont want to ever disappoint my mom. I would have been left long time ago, but she has been encouraging me to stick it out and bear it. But as tough as I am, I was really scared when I saw what was written on my door, and I cant keep convincing myself that I im not. I dont want her to be upset with me either and so I have been tryin my best to hang in there as she would say, but its really hard. I have a meetin with my program director tues and until then I have a lot to think about.
This shit is beyond foolishness.....I cant even think of a good catch phrase or word to describe it. And im not even gonna go in to how shitty I feel right now......

"I dont want to get human trafficked"

So in the "most retarded thing ive ever heard" news of the day, I was talkin to my sister b4 she got on the plane. I called them to make sure everything was kosher, and asked my sis if she was scared to get on the plane. She said yeah and I thougth it was becuz she didnt like flying. I asked why anyway, and she says "I dont want to get human trafficked" Poppa was on 3-way and started laughing but I didnt think it was funny at all. I asked why the hell would she say that, and she said cuz she saw a movie where some people were trafficked. I said how the hell you gonna get human trafficked from the plane???

Idiot moment.....