The aftermath

Its been a few days since my door has been defaced, and I suppose I have had a lot of time to think about the whole thing in its entirety. Friday I spoke with someone from PC and I spoke to another Black female vol here, along with a brief convo with my program director. All this talkin didnt necessarily make me feel any better, but it did let me know that I had a lot of support and a lot of people were worried about me. Friday I went back home with my program director cuz she lives in my town and she saw my door. She spoke with my neighbor and asked if she wouldnt mind keeping an eye out for me. I looked at the door and all the talkin in the hallway with my neighbor just made me break down and cry. I was really upset.
And let me just explain briefly why I am upset. i have spoken to a lot of Bulgarian people, in an attempt to explain what happened and why I feel so sad. And most of their responses were along the lines of "Oh shani, dont be mad about that. There are a lot of stupid people in BG" or "oh shani, im sure those were just some stupid kids, dont let that bother you" So Id just like to let those of you out there for the record know why this type of thing gets me so upset.
1.Ill start by saying that there is no way you could really understand or fathom what I am feeling if you have never gone through this. The Bulgarians are the majority in this country, and I am sure have never heard anything remotely racist from another BG. If anything the Bulgarians are the ones who dislike/mistreat/talk bad about Roma/Turkish/other people who are not like them simply for that fact. They are not always the caring/understanding people they would have others believe. They ae the ones who dish out racial slurs and carry prejudices from what I have observed.
2. I am a grown ass woman. I dont need anyone to tell me how to feel. If my natural reaction is to be upset and cry because of something that happened to ME, then so be it. Thats how I do and thats how I am. Im not gonna all of a sudden jump up with happiness cuz someone wrote a racial slur on my damn door, that I have to see everyday. So please do not try to lessen my feelings or my pain by saying shani dont get upset!. I already am upset.
3. Altho Black people use the word when referring to each other to mean homey, my peeps, my buddy etc. the history of the word is rooted in something completely different. I am against using the word altogether, but lets be honest, when most non Black people use the word, they usually use it to be malicious. You cant tell me that someone scratched this word on my door to mean 'welcome to the neighborhood', or even 'we heart you.' They were being malicious. And the fact that someone would go through the trouble to physically do all that boggles my mind and makes me upset even more. That it has gone beyond simple rude stares or remarks and turned into action. That is what upsets me, and that is what needs to be understood. So dont think that this is more than just some asshole who is ignorant. This person got into my building and wrote a disgusting word on my damn door.

With all that being said, time to think has done me good. I kepp thinking that maybe I shoudl pack up and go home where everything makes sense. Where in my little world called Harlem, everyone looks the same and I am not privvy to these senseless acts. Or where I can easily showboat down Times Square or somewhere in the Village and not have to worry about lookin over my shoulder or if someone has a problem with me cuz Im Black. Cuz frankly I could give 2 shits about their opinions. Whereas here, its all I think about. I am the ONLY Black person that lives here or has EVER lived in this town. And I am a woman. Anything could happen to me at anytime.
But then what message would I be sending if I left? If I were a quitter? That they are right? that they can bully me around? What I really need to do is put on my NY swag and get it poppin! Altho I am still gonna talk to my program director about my options, if worst comes to worst and I have no choice but to stay here til next year, then so be. BUT, Ill just do my thing. Avoid the center of town like I been doing cuz I hate walkin over there. But wherever I do go, keep my head up high cuz even tho I am a Black female in thise town, Im the shit!
Is just so fucked up that I have to deal with this here. Cant I just teach the kids and do my job? Why does being Black have to be an issue?