Niggas

As if I havent endured enought hateful and spiteful comments, folks have brought "brining it to your doorstep" to a whole nother level. I went to work Thursday mornin kinda tired. Tiff has a new phone with this thing called Brain Genius on it and I have glued to the damn thing since she got here. I stayed up late playing it and bickin (kickin it...lol can I say that?!?!) with the fam, so naturally I was tired when I woke up. I was movin real slow, but managed to make it out the house about 7 AM. Class was ok, but I was concentratin on comin back home to see what the fam wanted to do for the rest of the day. The weather was real nice and they still needed to get some more souvenirs.
I roll up to my door, and wouldnt you know what was there?!?! The word 'NIGGAS' was SCRATCHED into my door! Yes, its true. Please pick your mouth up off the floor. I swear I couldnt even make this shit up! I was so flabergasted, then upset, no OUTRAGED. I was however surprise at how cool and collected I was. I walked into the apt and very calmly said hello then walked into the kitchen and tried to call the PC office. No answer. Then I call my program manager's celly. She picks up and I calmly explain to ehr what I witness. She seemed really surprised and disgusted herself. We talked for a bit. She asked me questions and then suggested that I call my school and see if someone could come and take a look at the door and stay in my apt with me.
I wont bore you with any more details, but it wll suffice to say that I was not happy. I had to go write a police report, take pics of the door, then the fam and I packed up our stuff and stayed with a PC staff oerson in Sofia for the night. I havent been home yet but I am DREADING haveing to look at what the door says.
and if anyone lodt count, this will be the THIRD, yes 3rd incident report that I have filled out with PC. The first being when some guyin my building thought it appropriate to grab my face and begin kissing me while we rode the elevator to the bottom floor. I told my colleagues at school at happened and I almost got the impression that they really didnt see the harm in what happened, and that I shoud almost be flattered that it happened! 2nd was when I almost had a break down cuz some assholes said really rude things to me and kids threw something at me. Then there was the verbal assault that my fam had to witness. But this here, t akes the cake.
I keep thinkin of how this person could have gotten into my building. How they could have done this undetected. What if I opened the door while they were doin it? what if I happen to come home late or alone and there is someone waiting for me? The police can patrol all they want, but unless they are gonna stake out and watch me 24/7 no one can ensure that something else like this or on an even worse scale wont happen. And for this reason, I am thinkin of returnin home folks.
the kids at my school are cool and all, but lets be real. You all have read enough posts about how lazy they are. A lot of them are cool with doin the minimum and just barely gettin by. And altho I can think of a few who speak really good, they ultimately got that way cuz they worked their asses off and studied. There are several excellent speaking English teachers at my school, and I doubt that the students who really want to elarn ENG will suffer because I left early. And I really dont feel like I am doing anything important here. Altho I wouldnt mind actually fulfilling my committment to serve for 2 years, there really is nothin here to keep me. I dont feel comfy walkin down that streets, I ahte meeting new people unless I am introduced to them by someone I know and I havent been able to get past that fact that I am the only black person here. And for this reason I feel like I havent put my all into doin programs outside of the school (which is suggested by PC to help improve not only the school but also the community). And I have had great idea abotu doin projects with my students and for the school, but the other teachers have other things goin on or they are just to lazy to help me and I cant do everything by myself.
And with all these excuses, the only thing that really matters is the fact that I dont want to ever disappoint my mom. I would have been left long time ago, but she has been encouraging me to stick it out and bear it. But as tough as I am, I was really scared when I saw what was written on my door, and I cant keep convincing myself that I im not. I dont want her to be upset with me either and so I have been tryin my best to hang in there as she would say, but its really hard. I have a meetin with my program director tues and until then I have a lot to think about.
This shit is beyond foolishness.....I cant even think of a good catch phrase or word to describe it. And im not even gonna go in to how shitty I feel right now......